The Summer I Turned Twenty

My twentieth birthday cake:) Pic by me and cake made by me:) Flowers are curtesy of my mama's garden!

Being a baby of the Sun is a feeling so incomparable to any other experience I have ever had. In childhood it was dreadful. Always albino with zinc covered skin and shady park birthday parties. Melted popsicles and strawberry shortcakes were a staple, and watermelon always seemed to be the star of the show. By the time I was ten the parties got smaller. Friends went on vacations with their families and couldn’t make it, and the kids who were still in town simply didn’t want to come or like me because I was “weird”. Whatever the fuck that means. By the time I was turning 14, it was a small gathering of maybe three friends and the members of my family that still cared enough to show up and bring a card. But when covid hit, and I turned 17 in the midst of an apocalypse, I realized I didn’t really want a party. I just wanted to curl up on the couch with my sister and my best friend Morgan, eat snacks, and watch some egregious romance movie. But it was when I turned 15 that I decided I hated having a summer birthday. That was the year I randomly decided I wanted a big party. I had a group of friends I naturally thought were going to be lifelong and I was about to go to sleep away camp for the first and last time. It wasn’t until I turned 16 I realized what a production the whole thing had been, like I was somehow trying to convince myself I needed the party to feel cool and seen and liked. I had to have the awesome summer pool party catered by my mama and Uncle Justin and it would somehow all of a sudden make me popular. I was so naïve then. The food was great though… I still think about it sometimes.

Well, I just turned 20. My birthday happened mid-moon, right in the middle of the full and the new, in the season of Cancer. I couldn’t necessarily tell you what exactly that means astrologically but, I can tell you this is the first birthday I’ve had where I actually feel older. You know when a grandma or great aunt pinches your cheek on your birthday and playfully asks “So do you feel any older?!”? Your usual answer is surely “No, I feel exactly the same.”, or a sarcastic “Decades actually!”; well, this year my answer was an insecure, mournful, and simple “Yes”. I remember way back in the old days (two years ago) when I was turning 18, and my 20s still seemed ages away. And when I turned 19, it started to set in, this would be my last year as a teenager, but I was still just that, a teenager. Then when 20 finally rolled around, I felt how I would imagine 35-year-old women feel when someone assumes they’re 36, ancient. At the same time, however, the emotional high of entering my 20s and for the first time really feeling like a grown-up, is the biggest high you can imagine. I also think though, part of this feeling is due to the fact that I was born in the summer.

This summer was strange to say the least. It was long, and hot, and sad, and everything good all rolled up into one giant delicious burrito. I worked the majority of the sun-soaked days, standing and conversing all day with pretentious customers at a small-town boutique. I steamed clothes, I merchandised the store, I got yelled at by some woman who’s “studying the art of love and humility”; which I learned by stalking her on the internet out of anger. I almost quit, and then didn’t, and then almost quit again… but didn’t. Mainly because of a coworker of mine, Karen, who basically became my work mom and best friend. She won’t mind a shoutout… I hope she’s been doing well since I last saw her at the beginning of August. On the days I didn’t work, I read The Twilight Saga and watched The Twilight Saga. I swam in the pool, played with my dogs, went to yoga religiously, and didn’t write nearly enough. But I felt content and healthy. I think I was creatively avoiding the thought of becoming a woman in my twenties, soaking up every last second of my ‘Hell is a Teenage Girl’ mentality. I watched the Fourth of July fireworks alone, a tradition I hope to keep actually. And then before I knew it, the first week of July was almost over, and I was about to turn 20. My best friend from college, Mia, came to stay with my family and I for a few days to celebrate… it was cathartic to have someone who only knows the Marist College student version of myself, see me in the place that I hold so sacredly close to my heart. We had a great time going to rummage sales, brunch, and driving around my little town. I didn’t get to show her nearly enough, so she’s already planning her next trip. On the day before my birthday, July 7th, I made my very own birthday cake, from scratch. It was an almond poppyseed cake, with cherry buttercream, and vanilla custard filling. I decorated it with flowers and fruit and a whopping twenty fiery candles. It was probably the best birthday I have had in a long time. The rest of the summer was filled with more work, hikes with Morgan and my dogs, nights at the movies with Dr. Oppenheimer and my girl Barbie. And then at the End of July, I ventured to the Jersey shore to celebrate Mia and her 20th birthday… a full circle month.

It was on the plane home from New Jersey I started to think about writing this blog. Like I said… I haven’t been writing much, scared of the truths that might escape me the second I put pen to paper. So here I am today, September the 8th, exactly two weeks into my semester abroad in Florence, Italy and exactly two months into my 20th year, writing about The Summer I Turned Twenty. When I first started brainstorming I knew I wanted to reflect on the last twenty years (ouch writing that one hurt) and do so in a way that can hopefully be a guide and place of comfort for others, no matter how old. So, I did what my mama would do, I made a list. I wrote down, in a battered-up composition book that I take everywhere, the first 20 takeaways I could think of, at the ripe age of well… 20. Most of these things are lessons I have yet to master, and some are ones I am not sure I ever will. But some, I live by.

Takeaway one: Go to art museums.

Just go. Doesn’t matter if you actually like or care about the art, the people and the atmosphere inside will change you. I could spend hours wandering around aimlessly looking at art and watching people I don’t know or understand. I always end up leaving knowing myself a little bit better than I did before. The Met is my favorite… for so many reasons.

 Takeaway two: Eat the damn cookie.

               Do I seriously need to give an explanation? Like seriously… just eat the cookie.

 Takeaway three: Listen more, speak less.

This is one that has taken me far too long to even realize. I always thought if I had something to say than I could help or contribute positively. But I was so, so, so wrong. While I am not a pro and have lots of work to do and habits to break, I have learned to listen actively. Sometimes all another person needs is for someone to simply hear what it is they have to say.

 Takeaway four: Travel.

While I am definitely no travel expert, I have learned that traveling has made me a happier and more open-minded person. Whether its discovering new places in the state you live in or going to live in Europe for 4 months… just go. The people I have met, the art I have seen, the food I have eaten, and the conversations I have had will stay with me for a lifetime.

 Takeaway five: Connect with strangers.

I feel like this kind of correlates with number four. By saying connect with strangers, I am not saying that you should just walk up to some random person and be like “Hey! Lets be friends!”, that would be weird. I more so mean, let seemingly random interactions and relationships develop. Allow yourself to be open to the possibility of meeting someone amazing or having a life-changing conversation.

 Takeaway six: Write poetry.

Doesn’t have to be profound, doesn’t have to be read by anyone, but it’s good for the soul. And if you’re not going to write it… you should read it. I recommend Dickinson and Brautigan.

 Takeaway seven: Do well in school.

As someone who was an average student up until my sophomore year of college, I can relate to those who are extremely smart and still struggle in school. All through middle school and high school I struggled with my attention span, doing my homework, and studying. However, once I got to college and began to learn about something I was truly passionate about, I became a straight A student. Its hard, and emotionally taxing, but my God is the sense of fulfilment and ego boost worth it. If you’re in school now or are planning to go to college, try. Apply yourself. And don’t do it for anyone but you. It is worth it.

 Takeaway eight: Don’t expect every experience you have to meet your high standards.

In no way am I telling you to not have standards so high you can’t reach them… I definitely think high standards are important. But I don’t think you should expect every experience you have to meet them; you will be disappointed every time. If you allow yourself the space to realize some people, places, or experiences simply will not meet those standards, you save yourself from so much pain and mental turmoil. Especially people. People do not change. Don’t continue to hope someone will finally reach the standards you hold them to. I hope that makes sense.

 Takeaway nine: He’s not worth it.

Don’t waste time and emotion on someone who will not reciprocate it. And don’t let BOYS get in the way of your friendships. He’s just not worth it.

 Takeaway ten: Be your full, true self.

You are perfect and powerful and beautiful just the way you are. Let others get to know that version of yourself. Be real. Be true. Be unapologetically yourself. If you can’t be yourself around the people you have surrounded yourself with, than why are you with them? Why have you let them into your life? Authenticity is the only thing that leads to true success and happiness.

 Takeaway eleven: TRY not to procrastinate.

This is by far the hardest thing for me on this list. I have CHRONIC procrastination. I have tried everything in order to break this bad habit, hell I even started talking about it in therapy. But, I have realized that the one thing that helps me not procrastinate is simply not procrastinating. Sometimes this is easier said than done but honestly it’s the best advice I can give. Maybe it’s just the ADD in my brain but if I tell myself to just get it done and not procrastinate, I’m somehow cured. It’s like the saying “don’t put it down, put it away”.

 Takeaway twelve: Read as much as you can.

Literature is a portal into the past and a gateway into the future. I honestly believe that reading is vital to the expansion of minds and the understanding of humanity. If you don’t like to read, grow up! 😊

 Takeaway thirteen: Compliment strangers.

I mean, it makes you feel good when someone compliments your outfit, your work, or even your ideas… why not make someone else the same?

 Takeaway fourteen: Spend time with your family, whatever that looks like for you.

In the last three years I have begun to appreciate my family, blood and chosen, a million times more than I ever have. I have come to realize that the people I consider my family now are not always people I am related to. Those that I surround myself with and have been blessed to have on my team are those that have proven themselves to be people that truly do love and care about me. My family life is not perfect, and I will forever be working through trauma and anxieties, but the family I do have I wouldn’t trade for the world.

 Takeaway fifteen: Do things that scare you.

I mean, I moved across the country away from everything I’ve ever known, to study fashion. And then I moved to another country to study fashion. I have been an editor on a Magazine, I have modeled, I made the deans list, I walked away from toxic friendships and into new ones, I have conquered my health both mental and physical, and I have tried my best to be myself. All of these things have been the most terrifying moments I have ever experienced, and yet I would do them all again. I highly recommend taking a scary risk, because what if it turns out to be the best thing you’ve ever done?

Takeaway sixteen: Nourish your body.

It is not my place to educate you on the art of nourishment and the trials of body dysmorphia. But I can say, take care of yourself, whatever that looks like for you.

Takeaway seventeen: Go outside. Be outside.

Nature heals, inspires, and revitalizes. Take care of it, and it will take care of you.

Takeaway eighteen: Acknowledge your impact on the Earth.

This goes with the above. Our impact on the Earth is one that could make or break our future as humankind. We only have one Earth, so why don’t we spend time ACTUALLY TRYING to save and maintain this one before we spend billions of dollars of taxpayer’s money, trying to find a new one in space? Just a thought.

Takeaway nineteen: Don’t put value in others’ opinions of you.

People’s opinions of you do not matter, especially the negative ones. Their own insecurities and jealousies are what is actually the problem. By bringing you down, they can begin to feel better about themselves. Remember, you are the bigger person, treat them with kindness regardless, and continue to be yourself.

Takeaway twenty: It’s not that deep.

Its really not… like not at all. Don’t let it get at you. Life is too short.

I am sure my takeaways will change and grow as I get older, but for now these are the ones that seem to ring the truest at this stage of my life. Now that I’m 20, I have new goals and hopes for the decade. From career goals to personal, I am excited and terrified of what is in store. I feel like women often say their “20s were the best years of their lives” and honestly I don’t know how much truth I hold in that. Being 10 years closer to 30 does not sound super fun to me, but at the same time I know that growing up and aging is a blessing and something to be utterly grateful for. Which makes me think about 21. I have a theory that once I get to 21 I will finally know how I will feel about being in my 20s. I will graduate and start my career in my 21st year, I’ll probably live on my own for the first time and have to figure out my life all over again. I hope by the time my year as 20 comes to an end I will have more appreciation for myself and a better understanding of myself and life in general. At 21 maybe I will even be more able to follow these takeaways I have listed here and actually be better equipped to take and learn from my own advice and life knowledge. I know whatever happens will happen and it will all be part of the bigger plan at play, and I cannot wait to see it. Until next summer I suppose.

-Miss O