Big Shoes to Fill
My sister, #15!! Photo: Harry McConnellI think the biggest myth that our society has come up with is the idea that sisters are inherently the same because, all girls are, and we all must have the same interests. Girls are pink, sparkles, American Girl dolls, and being boy crazy. Except, like I said at the beginning, that’s a myth. I think the second biggest myth is, that big sisters are always the strongest, the most influential, and the biggest trouble makers. Now, while one of those things are true for me, the rest are not.
In July of 2003, I was born, after quite a dramatic series of events. Kind of fitting though, don’t you think? I was my parents first baby, their little princess. Well for two years I was. Then Ellie was born. And let me say this, I was not forgotten about, I was just not the only one anymore. I don’t remember this time very well because I was only two after all, but I do remember instantly feeling like a protector, and like a permanently built-in best friend. Even at just two years old I had immense responsibilities to be the bigger, bad-er, and better big sister. But, as I have grown, and Ellie, my little sister, has grown, I realized that even though I may be older in years, I am not in the sense of societies general idea of being the big sister, especially when it comes to my height.
Growing up I was the trouble maker daughter, I liked to pick arguments with my parents, and get my sister in trouble. And as I got older I was the one to sneak out late, or to go to a party. I was the worse student out of the two of us, and I was the art kid. Ellie was the angel. And that’s not to say she didn’t do her fair share to be a pain in the ass also, but she was an angel. She wore this adorable bunny hat, and played fairies in the woods behind our house. She is now the “Tomboy” who drives tractors with dad, and rides horses. She’s the soccer star, and track athlete. And I have my nose in a book somewhere, or I am crying and singing along to some Harry Styles album. She loves the colors blue and green, and likes trips to Bass Pro Shop… in other words she is a little bit of a hick (it’s ok she calls herself that too). And I don’t like to get dirty, my hair is always done, and I could spend all my time, and money for that matter, in Nordstrom’s.
This post is called “Big Shoes to Fill”. And no, I am not talking about her huge shoes that I will never fit into, or her lanky 5’10” body. I am talking about the “walk a mile in my shoes” type of shoes. Within the last 2-3 years, my mental health has taken somewhat of a toll on myself. When you’re a teenage girl in this world, there is a constant pressure put onto you, and no matter what type of front you put up, sometimes the walls come tumbling down. And, that’s what happened to me. I suffered in silence. I suffered in silence while I struggled with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and on two occasions, thoughts of ending my life. But when you have a Big Little sister, who needs you, you have to stay. You have to get better.
I remember, one night, maybe a month or two into COVID, Ellie came into my room, she must have heard me crying on the phone to my best friend about how I was doing, and how much I quite literally hated myself, and she just sat on my bed. She told me in her own way, and in a few words, that she loved me, and if I left her, that she would be very mad at me. That she needed me. But, also that she was there for me whenever I needed her. This struck me. I felt ashamed, I was supposed to be the big sister, the one that is saying those things to her, that I was there for her, and that I would never leave, and yet I was stuck in a position where I couldn’t say that because I hadn’t been that person, I hadn’t been that big sister. It was in that moment I realized, that despite our age, and what life experiences we had, emotionally, she was the big sister.
From that night on, I have lived thinking that I want to be her when I grow up. Anyone who knows Ellie, may be able to relate. She is selfless, and never fails to make someone laugh. She is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS, and has this aura that is so entrancing. I feel so unworthy of being in her presence sometimes. To her friends (except for the small few I look at as siblings) I am “Ellie’s sister” and I couldn’t be more proud of that title. This does create an interesting dynamic though, because only I see her as my big sister. And I feel like I need to clarify, I don’t go to her with all my problems or ask for advice that she wouldn’t be able to give, I just look up to her. And I need her in my life forever. She still comes to me for things about boys, and family drama that she needs to rant about. We fangirl over chick-flicks together, and sing throwback songs. But I love the city, and she loves farms, and being close to home. She needs me, I need her, and I guess in a way, now that I am really thinking about it, we both have big shoes to fill.
Either way, she’s my sister. My permanently built-in best friend, my confidant, and the person I owe everything. Ellie, I love you so much, and I grow more proud of you, and being able to call you my sister everyday.
Now, reader, go tell someone you love them, and find someone’s shoes to fill.
-Miss O
